We all know the usual shit that people tell you about growing a tiny human inside of you but what about the real shit that no one talks about?

I’m not here to scare you or portray pregnancy as anything other than a miracle, but I think there’s a few points we need to discuss.

Nothing will prepare you for that positive result.

You think you’re ready.  He thinks he’s ready.  Hell, you’ve been talking about it for years.  But nothing really prepares you for when you look down to see those two little lines.  

For me, my reaction was totally unexpected.  I convinced myself that if a line wasn’t as strong as the control line, then it wasn’t actually a positive result.  So I chucked it in the kitchen bin, only to have to dig for it the next night after a second positive result and remove the mash potato remnants from it.

Most people don’t cry either.  It’s kind of a Hollywood myth.  We were in total shock and I still remember when the doctor confirmed it, I was all “Oh, cool.  Thanks”  Yeah, real magical moment that one.

You will need to feel protected more than ever before.

One late night we were driving home in separate cars and I asked Chris to follow me, just in case as I didn’t have a phone with reception out our way.  He obliged but when we got to the start of our dirt road, I pulled over for a wee break and he drove straight past me, assuming I was letting him go first so he could get the gate.  I was so shitty, I jumped back in the car without doing my road side wee and started rehearsing the hormonal outburst he was about to endure.

Within minutes of trying to make him feel like shit, I was hysterical and when I finally calmed down, I realised that pregnancy makes you feel more vulnerable than you could ever imagine.  Inside of you is this little baby and all the responsibility is on you to keep it safe and protected until it enters this world.  

My way of dealing with this was to look at Chris as my protector.  I wasn’t shitty that he’d driven off, I was shitty that I felt so weak and fragile constantly when I’m usually such an independent and brave woman.

You will feel like your body is public property.

When you start showing that beautiful little bump, total strangers suddenly think your body is public property.  Something to be commented on and they feel the urge to tell you how to live your life, comment on your body shape, tell you about their 22 hour traumatising labour, compare you to someone they know who’s pregnant and worst of all… TOUCH YOUR FUCKING BODY.

Like a little Buddha statue, they rub your tummy with this stupid smile that really takes more energy not to slap off them than you would think.  So you smile politely, tell them to get fucked in your head, then rant and rave about it on Facebook.

Honestly, if I had the answers on how to deal with this – I would share them.  The best I can do is suggest that you entertain yourself by retorting with whatever smart ass comments you can think of.

You will find a whole new level of love, respect and admiration for your own Mum.

How you truly appreciate and understand all your Mum has done for you, until you yourself begin your journey into Motherhood?

My poor Mum had such a hard time during her pregnancy with me that when they accidentally told her one week before her due date she was having a girl, she cried and cried.  Not because she wanted a boy, but because she couldn’t believe a little girl would put her through such hell.

With their wealth of knowledge about their own experiences and of you, your strengths, weaknesses and emotional needs, there really is no better person to call with all those questions, thoughts and milestones.

Don’t forget about your Mother In Law, this is just as special for her.  I created a group chat with both Mumma’s to keep them updated on all of baby’s growth and progress.

You will experience crazy weird sensations.

For me, my pregnancy was full of weird and wonderful sensations.

  • Constant peeing.  7 times in a night isn’t unusual. You’ll go through more toilet paper than you thought possible.  Your husband will know to just stop at the nearest bathroom just in case.  You’ll wonder if your lady parts can handle any more toilet paper action (dab, don’t wipe).  And when asked if you could provide a urine sample, you laugh hysterically because you were already busting to pee again!
  • Morning sickness.  Why not just call it All Day Sickness, or Goes Away When You Can Tell People Sickness.  I was spewing my guts up long before we were ready to share our news.  One night at a BBQ, I stashed a bucket around the side of the house just incase the toilet was ever occupied when I needed it.
  • Sore nipples.  I can still vividly remember the pain of my bra brushing up against which suddenly felt like heavy grit sandpaper or the water from the shower head inducing thoughts of razor blades falling instead of water droplets.  Nothing prepared me for this, but luckily it passed quickly.
  • The first niggles.  I remember laying in bed one night when we had just moved into the shed, I was laying in bed and I started the feel what I thought was a little tummy spasm.  It wasn’t until it continued after I rolled over that I realised this was the first time I was feeling our little baby.
  • Can’t breathe.  So as baby starts taking up more and more room, Mumma’s lungs and diaphragm unfortunately get pushed to the side making breathing more of a luxury than a basic requirement for life.  Don’t worry though, once baby drops / engages, you’ll be able to breathe again.
  • Baby on your nerves.  Literally.  I currently have a shoulder resting on my hip bone, sending a tingling down my leg.  These little ones seem to have a real knack for finding these nerves and pressing on them juuuuust right to cause pain, tingles and even crazy weird reflexes.
  • Cervical jabs.  Imagine a sharp punch to your cervix coming from the inside.  Sounds fucking charming doesn’t it?  Sometimes it builds and you can predict it coming, other times it comes out of nowhere and literally takes your breath away.  Apparently it’s totally normal and is a sign of your cervix ripening (softening in preparation for birth).

Your “friends” won’t always be as stoked as you are.

This is a hard one to write about as it’s so close to the heart and so many first time parents try to ignore this harsh truth.  There will be people in your life who struggle to accept your happiness, despite being people you once called close friends.  They’ll offer a fake smile when you share your news, but something in their eyes gives them away. 

These are the people who will “joke” about your new body shape and using the name you like for their one-day baby, will tell you horror stories about other women they know and above all else, will be more focused on themselves being the “cool aunt or uncle” rather than showing any interest in you or your pregnancy.

My advise?  Move on now.  These people won’t be in your lives and I can almost guarantee they won’t be at your childs first birthday.

This time will fly past quicker than you thought.

Remember that if you’re a first time parent, this is the very last few months for you and your partner to be just you two. 

Don’t be in too much a rush to wish the weeks by and remember that those spontaneous kitchen snuggles may be few and far between over the first few months with a new born in the house. 

Make the most of every moment alone you have, spend days in bed watching movies, indulge in some pre-parent sex, go on long drives to nowhere and lay in bed for hours chatting.

And most importantly, talk about your feelings, your fears, your worries about becoming a parent and support each other in realising that instincts will kick in and all will be perfect.

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