Throughout all my chats, and counseling sessions, there was one thought I wasn’t sharing with anyone. It was so selfish and ungrateful of me, I could barely handle saying it out loud.
I wanted to sell the farm.
Just typing those words now still bring tears to my eyes. Here was had everything we had dreamed of and worked so hard to get and I didn’t want it anymore. I had no real idea why, I just couldn’t be there anymore and we had to move. I think the isolation, being an hour from any friends or family and not being able to drive really took its toll on me and resulted in these thoughts.
I became obsessed. I was scouring real estate to see what we would get if we sold, what we could buy for our money and I was terrified on telling anyone. I had no idea that Chris had seen this over my shoulder and was terrified of what I was thinking.
I still remember the feeling on relief when I told Mum and the look of heartbreak on her face. Mum and Dad lived bush when they had me, when they fell pregnant with my brother, they moved into the middle of suburbia and I guess I never thought much about what prompted the move. Mum was doing her best not to say specifically why they moved, but she didn’t have to. Unfortunately I can read Mum by the glint in her eye and right now, her eyes said it all.
Once the secret was out, I was able to openly discuss it with those around me and as much as it hurt Chris to do so, he responded perfectly by letting me know the option to move was always there is that was what I truly needed to do to find happiness.
I think it was a few weeks before I felt confident enough to try being at home. I knew it had to be baby steps for me with a safe way out. We started with day trips to the farm in the afternoon when the temperature had dropped, leaving at night before I become too worked up. We then tried a sleep over, just the three of us. By 8 that night, I just knew it wasn’t going to work and out of fear of taking steps back, we left while it was good.
The following weekend, we planned a camping weekend with the parents at our place. The idea was to try and help teach me how to be at home again with the support and comfort I had attached myself to over the past month or so. We spent the weekend creating a new routine for me, setting up a nice outdoor area for me to be in and getting the house a little more comfortable. Sunday came around and I was feeling more confident in my ability to be happy on the farm again.
I think Chris as I had another week before he went back to work so we really focused on getting me settled and confident. The first week of him being back at work, I wasn’t at home by myself for more than an hour. The second week was better and by the third week I was really back on track.
I still have moments of loneliness and isolation, but I think that’s a normal part of being a Mum that most of us experience but I have all the support in the world. I joined a Mothers Group that the hospital put together for a few of us Mums with babies around the same age who I meet with every week. I have a group of friends who I casually meet with down the coast some weeks. I’ve started my own Mary Valley Mum Crew (find it on Facebook if you want in) and we meet weekly. And I’m a member of a Facebook Group that is like having 150 sisters to lift you up when you feel shit, share in the laughter of being a mum and tell you you’re killing it when you really need to hear it.
This new gig of mine isn’t easy. But it’s hard in a way I never imagined. The sleep deprivation is yet to hit me, as is the difficulty of leaving the house or keeping it tidy. This, annoyingly comes naturally. Feeling safe and at ease in my own home is what I struggle with. Daily. But like I said, it’s getting better and I know as Cypress grows and I start to see the pay off of living here, it will become even easier. But for now, I’m happy running away to the Coast as much as I need to.