The Actual Shittest Day

My day started with cradling my nut job baby from 6:30 until 6:30 while he slept.
If then progressed to trying to hold onto said slippery baby in the shower without dropping him.

Into the car and guess who has learnt the stiff baby trick. Woo fucking hoo.

Arrive at Caloundra, take it him out of the seat and oh what’s this sticky substance on my arm. Is it spew? Nope. Fresh shit.

That’s okay, I’ll put his spare pants on. The ones sitting at home on the couch.

Shit everywhere. Running late for my reiki which requires total calm. Zen like fucking calm. Yeah righto.

Nap time while out and about. Why, that’s my favourite. 15 minutes walking the bumpiest part of pavement I could find while old ladies try to stop me to make horrifying faces at my screaming shit machine.

$20 lunch of chewy calamari with mysterious food items and a rogue hair for lunch because my $3 cheeseburger meal seemed a little slack.

Stopped to get bread and milk and oh look, my once super comfortable carrier now breaks my shoulders because it’s adjusted to fit a 6 foot giant.

Home then for playful screams and fake coughs to make my heart falter followed by an hour long melt down and refusal to go the fuck to sleep. Enough boob to put him in a coma and finally success.

Leap Four you are a true asshole. That is until crazy crying screaming poopy monster rolls from back to tummy. Responds with lightening reflexes to the sounds of my voice. Pushing himself higher and harder during tummy time. And strokes my face to put himself to sleep.

Being a mum is disgusting. It’s exhausting. It’s terrifying. And it’s fucking amazing. I remind myself daily that this time next year he won’t need me as much and it will kill me.

So for now I’m happy to be covered in all the bodily fluids he can throw at me. I’m happy to sleep in 1.5 hour intervals. I’m happy to wince when the air reaches my nipples. And I’m so happy to be lucky enough to experience all the good and all the gross with this perfect little human that I made.

Sunrise Bringing Good Vibes

I can’t believe that two months ago I couldn’t be here.
That was honestly my darkest days I’ve ever had to endure. How do you tell the man you love that we can’t live in the place he adores most? The place we had spent 8 months shaping into our dream, where we’ve invested hundred of dollars in fruit trees, spent endless hours planting and caring for them. All for the dream of providing the perfect life for our child.
As soon as that beautiful child arrived, my head was telling me it was the biggest mistake I had ever made. It was too hot, too dry, too far out, too much to handle. I grieved for our house we had just sold. With our best friends next door, my Dad 7 minutes up the hill, Chris’s parents 30 minutes away. It was normal, it was predictable, it was what I needed right there in that moment. So many times I wanted to call the new owner and explain we made a mistake and needed our house back.
But slowly it got better. I knew deep down, this is what I wanted. The dream life we have worked so hard for. The reason we don’t have brand new cars, take holidays, go out drinking, buy expensive clothes. Everything we have sacrificed has been for this. Slowly I remembered that. Slowly the temperature left the high 30’s and kid 40’s. Slowly I found confidence in my abilities as a new Mum. Slowly I began to fall in love with this place all over again.
I still find it isolating at times, but isn’t motherhood lonely at times not matter where or how you live?
So the trigger for this post is this sunrise. As my boys giggle and chat away inside, I’ve snuck outside to snap this. So much about this photo reminds me of our very first morning out here. When we jumped out of bed in excitement to see that first sun break over the rise. This property changes daily through the seasons and I guess our life will now too. I just need to look toward the change with as much excitement as this and I’m sure our life here will be our version of perfect.

Today I Locked My Baby In The Car

Today I had the most terrifying experience a parent could ever have. I went to Hastings St for a stroll with Cypress and my Dad. Put Cypress in his seat, handbag on the floor, chucked my keys on the front seat and shut the door to fold down the pram but Dad couldn’t open the boot because it was locked. I raced to the doors and they were all locked with Cypress in his car seat.
Total panic kicked in and I remembered RACQ so phoned them totally hysterical and bawling my eyes out screaming at them to hurry up, my 8 week old baby was in there and had started crying.
Some beautiful by passers stopped when they realised what was happening and phoned 000 for me I have no idea what I said or asked for but within minutes, Cypress had cried himself to sleep, I had two police officers, two RACQ guys, one fire truck and an ambulance blocking all of Hasting St.
So the lesson from my own stupidity is to never ever put your kids and your keys in the car, I now have a lanyard that I’ll use to chuck them around my neck while I’m loading up.
Always call RACQ first whether you’re a member or not they will come and get in if there are kids in the car free of charge. They were there within minutes, literally ran out of their cars and to mine and had busted in within seconds.
Then call 000 because if all else fails, you’ll want them to use their batons to smash those windows to get your baby out safely.
Anyway, Cypress is fine and was smiling at the medic as he got checked over and is perfectly fine. Just thought I would share to hopefully save anyone else going through that.

My Worst Nightmare Came True

I finally feel comfortable at home and…. Chris wakes me a few hours ago to tell me we’ve run out of power. Just now sitting in bubs room on the rocking chair and I see something strange – a fucking snake above his window in his room.
That’s what I needed. My biggest fear coming true with no lights. Still considering sleeping in the car or bailing to a motel.

The Most Honest Selfie I’ve Ever Snapped

I wasn’t going to share this image publicly.
For starters, it’s probably boring and it’s shitty quality.
This was last Monday, the first day Chris went back to work. I was walking around the house while feeding Cypress when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I have no idea why but I had to capture this look and this moment.
It’s now one of my favourite pics of me in all my raw, post baby, pre 8 am, healing tummy, breastfeeding awesomeness.
I feel so empowered when I look at this and reflect on how far I’ve come in the past 6 weeks.
Anyway, thanks for reading my amazingly boring story and looking at my lumpy, bumpy mum bod.

Baby Steps Towards Being At Home

Yesterday we were meant to have a sleep over at home. Something didn’t feel right and I chickened out.
So my wonderful husband loaded us up and drove an hour back to Currimundi at 8 last night.
We did have an amazing afternoon there though, laying on the couch bed watching TV, organising the house to feel more like home, showering in our beautiful rain water and sharing a kick ass chicken and mango salad dinner.
I even caught myself thinking “fuck I love this place” and almost cried with joy when I realised.
Friday we’re heading back up with the parents for the whole weekend with them camping just outside the front door for support and I just can’t wait!
I painted a pretty bad picture of home in my mind but yesterday all I noticed was the cool breeze, smooth polished floor, bright light spilling in, the coziness of the plywood walls and the beauty of the landscape and animals and this incredible sunset.
We also came to the realisation that we could afford to rent the property out and live closer to town if that’s really what I need. I don’t want that at all and I couldn’t ask that of Chris. But the realisation that I’m not trapped out there makes me feel even more empowered.
I chose to live here once, I just have to choose it again.

Gaining Control Over My Anxiety

Nothing compares to these moments. He may still be tiny, but he’s my driving force to gain control again.

The past few days with the help of breathing in calm, breathing out panic, long showers, camomile tincture, essential oils and plenty of talking, I’m now able to grasp control of the anxiety before I spiral into full on melt down mode.

Yesterday a psychologist made a home visit to give me some tools to use to get on top of it. Turns out I had been doing, thinking, or was being told everything she suggested. 

My “moments” as we call them now usually hit first thing in the morning. Tomorrow I’m going to focus on my thoughts to see what’s going on in my head when they hit to see if there’s a pattern I need to break.

I still don’t feel like home is a happy place that I want to be at. I think this might be because the last few times I’ve been there, I’ve lost it and had to leave again.

It sounds crazy but I have to learn to be happy there again. I need to remember why we chose to live there, everything we’re working towards, how life will be when this passes and how lucky we are to even have what we do.

We’ve also decided I’m going to slowly work towards launching a new business that’s been on the back burner for a year or two. It’s something that I can run from home, fit in around Cypress and will provide me with some much needed focus, satisfaction, and cash to build our house.

I’m sure I’ll have more meltdowns and moments, but feeling like I’m gaining control is definitely a step in the right direction.

My Tricky, Silly Brain

This isn’t fair.
Bringing a new life into the world is meant to be the most incredible time of our lives.
Instead, it’s being ruined by fear and stress and a feeling like I’m seconds away from fainting.
My brain is tricking me into thinking our property is anything less than all of our dreams and that I would be much happier living with our parents forever.
I want to enjoy the time I have with Chris and Cypress and I want to feel “normal” again.
I don’t want to feel like I have to run away from home, I want to feel as secure and calm here as I did at Mandy’s.
Tomorrow I’m seeing my doctor and will be referred to someone to talk to. Hopefully they can help get me back on track.
I know this will all pass, and I know many women struggle after having a child but it doesn’t make it any less of a shitty situation for me right now.
Sorry guys, just had to share what’s in my head.

Tribe Lovin

Shout out to our Tribe…
Our family by blood and by choice.

After leaving hospital last week, I had an anxiety freak out and was re-admitted for a couple of days.
The family banded together and decided Chris, Cypress and I should have a ‘Babymoon’ with the Fitzgerald’s by the ocean to help me find calm, balance and control of these emotions with a support network close by and to wait out the mid 40’s expected at home over the weekend.

Today, the Dads and Brothers are heading up to the property to install some much needed insulation and shade sails before we return home next week.

Becoming parents is the biggest change Chris and I have had to adapt to and while we usually handle all that we jump into, this has thrown us big time and without the support of those who love us, I don’t know how we would have coped.